Dear Aine,
I have had a few relationships and also a few casual boyfriends but none of them have ever worked out, in fact some just seem to have been disasterous. I cannot figure out why they dont't work out for me. My friends say I am attractive and have a good personality. Most of them have left me, not really giving me any reason , just that it was'nt working out, although I remember one boyfriend saying I was very needy. I never knew my father, he had been on holiday here and my Mother never saw him again. She had a few relationships when I was growing up, none of those men came to live with us. I am 29 now and beginning to feel very lonely as I see all my friends settling down, I am scared I will end up on my own, I really would like a family some day .
Sharon
Dear Sharon,
Firstly, I would just like to highlight the fact that not all your boyfriends ended the relationship with you, most of them yes, but not all. What happened the others, did you finish with them and why?. I would ask you to take a closer look at the difference between both those that finished with you ,and the ones where you ended the relationship. I wonder if there is/was a common theme in these.? Growing up without a father or significant male can have all sorts of reactions depending on other support systems. Did you have a grandfather? an uncle?, and if so how were those relationships?. I am assuming you didn'nt have any relationships with your Mum's boyfriends,so of course growing up it was you and your Mum. I suspect that must have been lonely at times, and of course you would now like a family of your own. But first lets build on what you do have. You have friends, you still have your Mother and you have youth, yes 29 is still young, the average lifespan is extending all the time! You said one boyfriend said you were very needy, now what does that mean? Don't fear this question, allow yourself to relax and breath and answer it. Sometimes when our needs are not met when we are younger we look to significant others ,( boyfriends, friends, husbands) to meet these needs for us, and while it may appear that they can, I doubt it . So Sharon ,what are those needs of yours? What do you expect from a boyfriend or long term partner? What, if you think about it, can they fulfill for you, and what do you need to fulfill for yourself. You have never known a father figure ,and yes this can have some affect on how we respond to men as adults, this can be as diverse as being needy to being independent. We can see men as heroes who will come to rescue us or as weak and useless and unavailable, and of course anywhere else in between. Notice, if you can ,where you are on this spectrum, and see what needs you can meet yourself, this will grow your sense of self, your confidence and esteem. Give yourself time to do this, it doesn't happen overnight, but when you feel more able to meet these needs, you will certainly be more relaxed in who you are ,and this will in turn weave it's way into your relatinships with men. Allow yourself the sense of hope and trust that you can do this and achieve for your life the love and family you would like, beginning with a family of one, yourself!
Aine
