Do you know the feeling of " I want it!" , and the feeling that comes when we dont "get it " Of course we all have different needs and wants, our needs are something that is most likely something that will support and nourish us and we may actually be deprived when they are not met, either by ourselves or someone close enough to recognise them. Now, our wants are something else, and when we want something and dont get it what is the feeling that rumbles within us. Is it hurt or jealousy , is it a peevish little boy or girl stamping their feet, internally screaming "but i WANT it.
And what happens when we get "IT," whatever that is. Is their a feeling of fullfillment and how long does it last?. Not long i suspect. The spoiled child in us has come out to play again and God help the poor playmate. There are some of us who live out of this side of ourselves and we are lucky if we can find a partner or friend who will play good Mammy or Daddy and provide what it is we desire. This is, however, quite an unhealthy state of mind and an immature approach to having what we want in life. I am not saying wants and desires are a bad thing, in fact they can inpire us on to great things in life. It is the feeling that is beneath those desires that is important to recognise. Paying attention to the feeling when we dont get what we want will give us the insight into what it is that we need .The mature person finds something that attracts them, a new house, some new clothes, jewellery, perhaps even a new mate but is aware of the limit to which it will satisify. The immature undeveloped spoiled "Inner Child" has no sense of these limits, or indeed the consequences, their desire is immediate , (theCeltic Tiger and it's excesses come to mind, could we possibly have had a collective "Spoiled Inner Child") The awareness that can be learned here is to slow down and really listen to the foot stamping, pouting little boy or girl, and be curious as to what really needs to be filled within you. Your curiousity alone may bring some awareness as to what is really going on and a little growing up can take place, and with a little patience you may find you dont want "IT" after all !
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Fear and the Inner Child
Fear is something that presents itself frequently in my practice, but more interestingly, fear of something unknown . Clients will mention feeling scared of something that holds no threat for them, just an anxiety that something bad might happen, or a sense of impending doom. If this feeling has no basis in reality, i suspect that something deeper is at play. Could it be the child within?
We all carry the child that we once were, for some of us it is buried deep, for others closer to the surface. I am sure we can all connect with behaviour that is immature, we are not quite the adult that we could be. Within us all there is a child that is hurt, bold, impish, spoiled ,stubburn, fearful, perhaps even terrified, and ah, lets not forget the playful child. These immature states can remain to a greater or lesser degree and can have huge impact on how we react as adults to life events. Fear is one of those states . We may feel afraid when there is nothing to fear, or rather the child within us is afraid, and needs an adult to take care of us and protect us. My job as a therapist is to help my clients recognise when the fear they are experiencing is not so much the adult in them but their Inner Child.
Now if we are being chased by a man eating lion or a wild rabid dog then fear is the healthiest reaction, the "Fight or Flight" response kicks in and we run like hell or stand to fight, it is the stress response and has evolved to take care of us. However if we experience that intense fear when there is no apparent threat something different is happening. A raised voice, can sometimes be enough to stir the feeling, a mild confrontation perhaps and the rumblings of fear simmer deep in our bodies.
As adults, awareness is the key.The question is how do we take care of this frightened child within us? I can make it simple. Imagine you had this child by the hand, what would you say to it? Shut up! Be Quiet! Stop being silly! Or could we recognise that we are all grown up, tall, more mature and with huge capacity to take care of this undeveloped side of us, because the work for us is not to keep us separate from the child within but to integrate it, let it weave its way through us . The child within then recognises that another part of them, the adult, can take care of things and it doesnt need to be afraid. This of course happens unconsiously when we , as adults ,recognise when we are immature and be mindful of what needs taking care of. The next time you feel afraid without reason, stop ,take a deep breath and remember the wee boy or girl inside you, in your imagination take their hand ,and come out to play. The Inner Child will love it and may even forget what frightened them in the first place.
We all carry the child that we once were, for some of us it is buried deep, for others closer to the surface. I am sure we can all connect with behaviour that is immature, we are not quite the adult that we could be. Within us all there is a child that is hurt, bold, impish, spoiled ,stubburn, fearful, perhaps even terrified, and ah, lets not forget the playful child. These immature states can remain to a greater or lesser degree and can have huge impact on how we react as adults to life events. Fear is one of those states . We may feel afraid when there is nothing to fear, or rather the child within us is afraid, and needs an adult to take care of us and protect us. My job as a therapist is to help my clients recognise when the fear they are experiencing is not so much the adult in them but their Inner Child.
Now if we are being chased by a man eating lion or a wild rabid dog then fear is the healthiest reaction, the "Fight or Flight" response kicks in and we run like hell or stand to fight, it is the stress response and has evolved to take care of us. However if we experience that intense fear when there is no apparent threat something different is happening. A raised voice, can sometimes be enough to stir the feeling, a mild confrontation perhaps and the rumblings of fear simmer deep in our bodies.
As adults, awareness is the key.The question is how do we take care of this frightened child within us? I can make it simple. Imagine you had this child by the hand, what would you say to it? Shut up! Be Quiet! Stop being silly! Or could we recognise that we are all grown up, tall, more mature and with huge capacity to take care of this undeveloped side of us, because the work for us is not to keep us separate from the child within but to integrate it, let it weave its way through us . The child within then recognises that another part of them, the adult, can take care of things and it doesnt need to be afraid. This of course happens unconsiously when we , as adults ,recognise when we are immature and be mindful of what needs taking care of. The next time you feel afraid without reason, stop ,take a deep breath and remember the wee boy or girl inside you, in your imagination take their hand ,and come out to play. The Inner Child will love it and may even forget what frightened them in the first place.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
moving out of home, again!
Dear Aine,
I am embarrassed to say I moved back home last year when I lost my job in Dublin, It was a reasonably satisfying job and I was very upset when it happened. My home is in Asbourne and I thought if I got some temporary work I could commute. It was the worst decision I could possibly have made. My parents are separated and I really moved back in to the eternal battle that reigns between them. My Mum is still in the family house and my Dad is in a small apartment. He calls up most days and inevitably there is a row, and I am constantly pulled in to take sides or give opinions. I'd rather not go into details about their situation but I am beginning to feel depressed that at twenty five I am back in something that I couldn't wait to get away from. My sister has left for Canada and my brother works in Cork and vists every two months or so, and being the only other girl I am now some sort of crutch for both of them. I am quite introverted by nature and I am not chasing after work as my confidence is low right now.There is also a part of me feels guilty about leaving my Mum alone now, she is constantly saying how good it is to have me back, and I feel a certain panic when I hear this. I have a few friends in Dublin but I am afraid I am slowly losing contact with them, I'v also noticed my Mum is drinking a lot, especially during the days that she is not working. Can you help?
Orla
Dear Orla,
Let me first address the situation that forced you to move home again, you lost your job and no doubt it was difficult to continue to live in the city, pay rent bills etc, like so many it seemed a good idea to move back home. You mentioned that you couldnt wait to move out in the first place so i suspect the battle between your parents that you speak of was going on before you left. It can be quite easy to forget how things were when we find our own place and create a space to call our own. Moving back seemed like a good idea when you lost your work especially as they had separated, though if your Dad is visiting most days they are still tied into something that I would suggest you cannot allow yourself to get pulled into. You are beginning to feel depressed and feeling panic. These feelings speak volumes, loud and clear. They are your system telling you this situation is not healthy for you. I am a great believer in parents and children letting each other go, in a healthy way of course and while the economic situation is reversing this, and more adult children are moving back I suspect it cannot work for any length of time. Your parents relationship difficulties are not resolved, but it is out of your control how they work it out, and even for the time being I would encourage you to go out when they are both together, a walk, the library, anywhere that will take you away from the tension and will focus your mind on smething else. Perhaps some voluntary work or a course you might be interested in., This will also help build your confidence again, which I am sure is not lost, just out of your awareness at the moment.
If you have experienced satisfying work in the past you must have a fair degree of confidence stored away, you just need to re connect. The guilt you speak of is not healthy for you and while your Mum, may be genuinely happy to have you back, you have to be careful not to hook in to others interests. Guilt has one agenda, to punish, so recognise this. It has a particular body sensation which is different for each of us but mostly sensations present in the tummy or chest, together with negative thoughts. Find a way to let this go, join a meditation class, it will certainly help. The depression and panic you are experiencing is your system telling you the situation needs changing, a bit like " the house is on fire, get out" does that make sense?You might mention how concerned you are to your Mum about her drinking, after that it is up to her. Some things we have no control over.
You might go to Dublin and stay a night or two with your friends, break the continuity as such. Even on Job Seekers allowance you might afford a small room and find your space and peace again. Listen to yourself, and trust what you need. Small steps with your own interest at heart for now will give you the energy for the bigger ones.
Aine
I am embarrassed to say I moved back home last year when I lost my job in Dublin, It was a reasonably satisfying job and I was very upset when it happened. My home is in Asbourne and I thought if I got some temporary work I could commute. It was the worst decision I could possibly have made. My parents are separated and I really moved back in to the eternal battle that reigns between them. My Mum is still in the family house and my Dad is in a small apartment. He calls up most days and inevitably there is a row, and I am constantly pulled in to take sides or give opinions. I'd rather not go into details about their situation but I am beginning to feel depressed that at twenty five I am back in something that I couldn't wait to get away from. My sister has left for Canada and my brother works in Cork and vists every two months or so, and being the only other girl I am now some sort of crutch for both of them. I am quite introverted by nature and I am not chasing after work as my confidence is low right now.There is also a part of me feels guilty about leaving my Mum alone now, she is constantly saying how good it is to have me back, and I feel a certain panic when I hear this. I have a few friends in Dublin but I am afraid I am slowly losing contact with them, I'v also noticed my Mum is drinking a lot, especially during the days that she is not working. Can you help?
Orla
Dear Orla,
Let me first address the situation that forced you to move home again, you lost your job and no doubt it was difficult to continue to live in the city, pay rent bills etc, like so many it seemed a good idea to move back home. You mentioned that you couldnt wait to move out in the first place so i suspect the battle between your parents that you speak of was going on before you left. It can be quite easy to forget how things were when we find our own place and create a space to call our own. Moving back seemed like a good idea when you lost your work especially as they had separated, though if your Dad is visiting most days they are still tied into something that I would suggest you cannot allow yourself to get pulled into. You are beginning to feel depressed and feeling panic. These feelings speak volumes, loud and clear. They are your system telling you this situation is not healthy for you. I am a great believer in parents and children letting each other go, in a healthy way of course and while the economic situation is reversing this, and more adult children are moving back I suspect it cannot work for any length of time. Your parents relationship difficulties are not resolved, but it is out of your control how they work it out, and even for the time being I would encourage you to go out when they are both together, a walk, the library, anywhere that will take you away from the tension and will focus your mind on smething else. Perhaps some voluntary work or a course you might be interested in., This will also help build your confidence again, which I am sure is not lost, just out of your awareness at the moment.
If you have experienced satisfying work in the past you must have a fair degree of confidence stored away, you just need to re connect. The guilt you speak of is not healthy for you and while your Mum, may be genuinely happy to have you back, you have to be careful not to hook in to others interests. Guilt has one agenda, to punish, so recognise this. It has a particular body sensation which is different for each of us but mostly sensations present in the tummy or chest, together with negative thoughts. Find a way to let this go, join a meditation class, it will certainly help. The depression and panic you are experiencing is your system telling you the situation needs changing, a bit like " the house is on fire, get out" does that make sense?You might mention how concerned you are to your Mum about her drinking, after that it is up to her. Some things we have no control over.
You might go to Dublin and stay a night or two with your friends, break the continuity as such. Even on Job Seekers allowance you might afford a small room and find your space and peace again. Listen to yourself, and trust what you need. Small steps with your own interest at heart for now will give you the energy for the bigger ones.
Aine
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Self esteem - Not feeling good enough
Dear Aine,
Recently I have been feeling really bad about myself, I left college two years ago after studying photography and with all intention of getting a good job in my field. However despite all efforts that hasnt happened and now my confidence is beginning to erode. I have taken a job in an office to keep me in money. Recently at a party I got chatting to someone, and I was asked what Iworked at and found I was so embarrassed to say what I did after all my learning at college, a part of me felt like a failure and now I constantly try to avoid these conversations with others. I actually feel humiliated , I really want to be comfortable just with who I am, please help.
Julie
Dear Julie,
When someone asks us what we do, it is a conversation opener, but beneath that we associate what we do with who we are. It might be helpful if you can begin to separate the two, what we do is our work and while it may take up a large part of our day it can never be who we are. When we learn a skill well, as you have done at college there may be disappointment at not using that skill, that same disappointment can weave its way into our esteem and we must be very careful not to let it erode WHO we are. I have worked a lot with retirees who, when they retire or lose their jobs often feel lost, they have spent so many years totally identifying with their work and when that is gone , so are they. You have learned a skill, and I am sure love that skill and while you may not be working at it, I am sure you can still practice it and enjoy it. This will raise your esteem in an organic way, that means in a way that is sustainable for you, a way you will FEEL in your bones, so when someone asks you what you do then you can enjoy that feeling, because while you work at something else, you still do your photography and enjoy it. You mention a very powerful word, humiliation.
I suspect when you practice your skill and enjoy what your doing there will be nothing for you to be humiliated about. It is a feeling we experience when we dont feel good enough about ourselves and when we dont value enough who we are. It has nothing to do with how others make us feel.
Stay in touch,
Aine
Recently I have been feeling really bad about myself, I left college two years ago after studying photography and with all intention of getting a good job in my field. However despite all efforts that hasnt happened and now my confidence is beginning to erode. I have taken a job in an office to keep me in money. Recently at a party I got chatting to someone, and I was asked what Iworked at and found I was so embarrassed to say what I did after all my learning at college, a part of me felt like a failure and now I constantly try to avoid these conversations with others. I actually feel humiliated , I really want to be comfortable just with who I am, please help.
Julie
Dear Julie,
When someone asks us what we do, it is a conversation opener, but beneath that we associate what we do with who we are. It might be helpful if you can begin to separate the two, what we do is our work and while it may take up a large part of our day it can never be who we are. When we learn a skill well, as you have done at college there may be disappointment at not using that skill, that same disappointment can weave its way into our esteem and we must be very careful not to let it erode WHO we are. I have worked a lot with retirees who, when they retire or lose their jobs often feel lost, they have spent so many years totally identifying with their work and when that is gone , so are they. You have learned a skill, and I am sure love that skill and while you may not be working at it, I am sure you can still practice it and enjoy it. This will raise your esteem in an organic way, that means in a way that is sustainable for you, a way you will FEEL in your bones, so when someone asks you what you do then you can enjoy that feeling, because while you work at something else, you still do your photography and enjoy it. You mention a very powerful word, humiliation.
I suspect when you practice your skill and enjoy what your doing there will be nothing for you to be humiliated about. It is a feeling we experience when we dont feel good enough about ourselves and when we dont value enough who we are. It has nothing to do with how others make us feel.
Stay in touch,
Aine
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