Dear Aine,
I am embarrassed to say I moved back home last year when I lost my job in Dublin, It was a reasonably satisfying job and I was very upset when it happened. My home is in Asbourne and I thought if I got some temporary work I could commute. It was the worst decision I could possibly have made. My parents are separated and I really moved back in to the eternal battle that reigns between them. My Mum is still in the family house and my Dad is in a small apartment. He calls up most days and inevitably there is a row, and I am constantly pulled in to take sides or give opinions. I'd rather not go into details about their situation but I am beginning to feel depressed that at twenty five I am back in something that I couldn't wait to get away from. My sister has left for Canada and my brother works in Cork and vists every two months or so, and being the only other girl I am now some sort of crutch for both of them. I am quite introverted by nature and I am not chasing after work as my confidence is low right now.There is also a part of me feels guilty about leaving my Mum alone now, she is constantly saying how good it is to have me back, and I feel a certain panic when I hear this. I have a few friends in Dublin but I am afraid I am slowly losing contact with them, I'v also noticed my Mum is drinking a lot, especially during the days that she is not working. Can you help?
Orla
Dear Orla,
Let me first address the situation that forced you to move home again, you lost your job and no doubt it was difficult to continue to live in the city, pay rent bills etc, like so many it seemed a good idea to move back home. You mentioned that you couldnt wait to move out in the first place so i suspect the battle between your parents that you speak of was going on before you left. It can be quite easy to forget how things were when we find our own place and create a space to call our own. Moving back seemed like a good idea when you lost your work especially as they had separated, though if your Dad is visiting most days they are still tied into something that I would suggest you cannot allow yourself to get pulled into. You are beginning to feel depressed and feeling panic. These feelings speak volumes, loud and clear. They are your system telling you this situation is not healthy for you. I am a great believer in parents and children letting each other go, in a healthy way of course and while the economic situation is reversing this, and more adult children are moving back I suspect it cannot work for any length of time. Your parents relationship difficulties are not resolved, but it is out of your control how they work it out, and even for the time being I would encourage you to go out when they are both together, a walk, the library, anywhere that will take you away from the tension and will focus your mind on smething else. Perhaps some voluntary work or a course you might be interested in., This will also help build your confidence again, which I am sure is not lost, just out of your awareness at the moment.
If you have experienced satisfying work in the past you must have a fair degree of confidence stored away, you just need to re connect. The guilt you speak of is not healthy for you and while your Mum, may be genuinely happy to have you back, you have to be careful not to hook in to others interests. Guilt has one agenda, to punish, so recognise this. It has a particular body sensation which is different for each of us but mostly sensations present in the tummy or chest, together with negative thoughts. Find a way to let this go, join a meditation class, it will certainly help. The depression and panic you are experiencing is your system telling you the situation needs changing, a bit like " the house is on fire, get out" does that make sense?You might mention how concerned you are to your Mum about her drinking, after that it is up to her. Some things we have no control over.
You might go to Dublin and stay a night or two with your friends, break the continuity as such. Even on Job Seekers allowance you might afford a small room and find your space and peace again. Listen to yourself, and trust what you need. Small steps with your own interest at heart for now will give you the energy for the bigger ones.
Aine
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