Growing up without a Father

Dear Aine,
I have had a few relationships and also a few casual boyfriends but none of them have ever worked out, in fact some just seem to have been disasterous. I cannot figure out why they dont't work out for me. My friends say I am attractive and have a good personality. Most of them have left me, not really giving me any reason , just that it was'nt working out, although I remember one boyfriend saying I was very needy.  I never knew my father, he had been on holiday here and my Mother never saw him again. She had a few relationships when I was growing up, none of those men came to live with us. I am 29 now and beginning to feel very lonely as I see all my friends settling down, I am scared I will end up on my own, I really would like a family some day .
Sharon

Dear Sharon,
Firstly,  I would just like to highlight the fact that not all your boyfriends ended the relationship with you, most of them yes, but not all. What happened the others, did you finish with them and why?. I would ask you to take a closer look at the difference between both those that finished with you ,and the ones where you ended the relationship. I wonder if there is/was a common theme in these.? Growing up without a father or significant male can have all sorts of reactions depending on other support systems. Did you have a grandfather? an uncle?, and if so how were those relationships?. I am assuming you didn'nt have any relationships with your Mum's boyfriends,so of course growing up it was you and your Mum. I suspect that must have been lonely at times, and of course you would now like a family of your own. But first lets build on what you do have. You have friends, you still have your Mother and you have youth, yes 29 is still young, the average lifespan is extending all the time! You said one boyfriend said you were very needy, now what does that mean? Don't fear this question, allow yourself to relax and breath and answer it. Sometimes when our needs are not met when we are younger we  look to significant others ,( boyfriends, friends, husbands) to meet these needs for us, and while it may appear that they can, I doubt it . So Sharon ,what are those needs of yours? What do you expect from a boyfriend or long term partner? What, if you think about it, can they fulfill for you, and what do you need to fulfill for yourself. You have never known a father figure ,and yes this can have some affect on how we respond to men as adults,  this can be as diverse as being needy to being independent. We can see men as heroes who will come to rescue us or as weak and useless and unavailable, and  of course anywhere else in between. Notice, if you can ,where you are on this spectrum, and see what needs you can meet yourself, this will grow your sense of self, your confidence and esteem. Give yourself time to do this, it doesn't happen overnight, but when you feel more able to meet these needs, you will certainly be more relaxed in who you are ,and  this will in turn weave it's way into your relatinships with men. Allow yourself the sense of hope and trust that you can do this and achieve for your life the love and family you would like, beginning with a family of one, yourself!

Aine

Depression and Creativity

 Depression, the word alone triggers a response from both those who have experienced it and those who live with those who experience it, and  a third group who hope it never knocks on their door. The depression I want to write about today is that low grade grey feeling  that is sometimes accommanied by anxiety , and a decrease in energy for the creative side of life. It is different from the clinical depression that may require medication, that black feeling of hoplessness that almost freezes the personality and needs clinical intervention.
It is often described to me as a grey veil surrounding the person, they know the sun shines on the other side of it, knows life is going on outside it but the veil separates them from taking part, and anxiety impeding any action that might lift the veil or at least draw it back somewhat so that the other side can be viewed more clearly. It has been my experiencing in working with clients that creativity plays a signifacant role in breaking through this, it has the capacity to loosen some energy that like wind can blow, and lift or open the veil enough to create a momentum to move the client to the other side of it.
Sometimes anxiety gets in the way of creativity. We want to write, paint, play an instrument, take a photograph, plant a garden, whatever creative idea that stirs us, but our anxiety seeps in and through us and we procrastinate, make excuses, erode ourselves and the grey veil thickens. It just takes the first line, the first stroke of a brush, the first bar of a tune on an  instrument and yes,  anxiety sniffing at our heels  but the courage to keep going, that releases the energy for the next line, the next burst of creativity and the slow yet increasing release of energy for more. It is as simple as taking the first move, however minute to begin the process of lifting the veil. There is no doubt that not using our creative energy can lead to the low grade depression I often meet and it is in the smallest steps that we release ourselves. The lid gets lifted on the energy source and a slow wind begins to blow lifting and opening the veil and letting us glimse what is on the other side and as the sun comes into view we might just turn our faces to meet it

Babies or no Babies

Dear Aine,
My boyfriend and I are both late 20's and have been together almost 3 years. We are still madly in love, the only thing we argue about is cleaning! While we are a long way from kids and marriage, anytime we talk about it, he gets angry, makes excuses about having them, "  what if we go travelling, what if our careers get in he way, what if we cant provide, what if we cant have them, the country is corrupt" and so it goes. I have made it clear I definately want kids in the future, and I may have to give up my career for some time as the industry I work in is not child friendly but this is fine with me, perhaps not with him. Marriage does'nt seem to bother him, not that we discuss it much but when the baby talk begins he changes. He is a proud man and wants to be able to provide but even as things are now he wants more. He seems to love his neices and nephews, I am sure he would be an amazing father and would be able to provide well but I am afraid we both want different things. I dont know if I could change his mind , I love him dearly and dont want to let him go, but I also dont want to give up my chance of having children. Part of me wants to wait and see what happens and another part wants to walk away before I get hurt, but I know it would break my heart to leave him. I have said I will stay if we have children someday or break up now and then he comes around to maybe, but not sure, I am so confused as to what to do
Jen

Dear Jen,
Is cleaning the only thing you argue about? I do get the sense that this issue of babies is an argument waiting to happen, if it has'nt happened already. Let me be  positive about this, you and him are together three years which is a reasonable length of time to know how you feel about each other, You have passed the infatuation stage and while you are both still in love I am sure it has deepened and that some roots have grown, if I may use a metaphor, and when the roots have deepened then the relationship, like a tree can take some stormy weather, and survive and indeed grow even more. Having babies is so very different for women than men, he really cannot begin to feel your instinct to have them. For a lot of men the desire for children is rooted in something much more primal. Women gestate, give birth and nurture, men impregnate, provide and yes sometimes also nurture. You say your boyfriend is a proud man and would want to be able to provide, so i suspect his reaction, to a degree, is rooted in this. If you have to give up work for some time then he will be the sole provider, and perhaps he fears this. You also say he gets angry when the discussion begins, remember anger is a defence mechanism, so what is he defending, his fear?. You seem very sure he will be an amazing father, but perhaps he is not that sure and may never be sure until he is one. This is the risk, but then so many things in life are risky, but we take them anyway, otherwise we dont really live. You say when he faces the risk of losing you he then uses words like maybe, but not sure, and again I suspect a lot of men feel like this if they are really honest. Perhaps you might decide for yourself what the bottom line is for you, the age you would like to begin a family. Is it sooner rather than later? Do you both need to do some things before you settle? The world will always be as it is, sometimes wonderful, sometimes corrupt, our inate desire to have children is not ever based on that, but on our instinctive desire to be more, and what could be more than extending ourselves to another part of ourselves, a baby. I know we humans consider ourselves more evolved than our ancestors, with rationale and logic taking over from basic instinct, and still the birth rate remains intact. Your boyfriend's reaction seems to say he is afraid and his anger perhaps, is defending that fear. I would encourage you to talk to him again, seriously , and begin to ask yourself where you will draw the line, and give yourself time to accept and adjust to that. The other thing I am curious about is , are you committed to each other ?  It sounds like that conversation has'nt taken place. Perhaps it's time to check how the roots of your relationship are, give them whatever nourishment they need, and who knows what new shoots might grow!
Aine

Feeling worthless

Dear Aine,
I am a thirty one year old single woman with a good job teaching primary school, I have my own apartment and do my best to live a full life. I take regular exercise, socialise with my friends and do my best to be active and interested in whatever is happening. The thing is I feel that everyone else is somehow better than me, when I am out socialising I seem to shrink into a corner, I constantly refer to other people when I need to make decisions, and I notice I overreact to comments made about me, almost to the point of obsession. I wouldn't be the most assertive person although I am able to manage my class , but if a parent complains I worry about it for days. Sometimes I feel useless and pretty worthless and it seems everyone else is somehow better than me.  I suppose I have low self esteem but I don't want to go through the rest of my life like this, no one would ever know how I feel, I have never spoken about this to anyone.

Liz.

Dear Liz,

It can be quite a lonely place to be when we feel deeply something about ourselves that we cannot share with others and can often add to our sense of worthlessness, so I am very pleased you have taken this step to seek help, it says you are worth it. Worthy of sharing how you feel and worthy of doing something for yourself to alter or change how you view yourself. Many people spend their lives looking up at others, and the interesting thing is , if we look up, then we may also look down. Self esteem is a term used to measure how we evaluate our worth, but perhaps we might look at it from a different view and think more in terms of self acceptance. Everyone has different skills and those skills may raise our value in the world , but do they raise our acceptance of WHO we are. If we make self esteem dependent on success then it can fail at any time, through job loss or retirement. I often meet in my practice those who lose their job or retire and with it a loss of esteem and sense of worth, indeed loss of anything to which we attach our esteem can trigger this. I wonder Liz what happens when you "shrink into a corner" as you put it, or refer to others for their opinion of you. I wonder how long you have felt like this, allowing others view of you to tell you who you are, in fact seeking it out. So lets start with that. Who are you, begin by asking that question and only allow yourself to answer it. Seek out the answers that have value to them, that tell you you are worthwhile. What makes us wothwhile? You have a good job, what are the qualities that inspired you to teach ? the personal qualities that spur you to exercise  and be interested in socialising and relating to others, list them , acknowledge them in a relaxed way. Be aware when you find yourself comparing, we are all so different, comparison can be erosive to our sense of worth.The idea that others are somehow better is unhelpful,  different yes, better no. Be centered in your own worth as a human being and I would encourage you to set small challenges for yourself, meaningful challenges that are attainable and will grow your sense of achievement and worth.  Pick something small every day as research shows it is the consistancy of our behaviour that gets results.  Perhaps you could begin with referring to yourself when you need to make a decision, small steps that  will slowly build your confidence,( confidence is knowing who you are and being that person) it will spur you on and slowly but surely your acceptance of who you are will grow.  Meditation and mindfullness will help you with obsessive thoughts and teach you practical skills to let go and relax  Remember just looking for support says something about your worthiness. Talking it through with a counsellor and taking time to acknowledge all that you are as a human being will certainly help. You have taken the first step, and are ready for the next, lift your foot!
Aine

Agony Aunt Aine: The Hurt Inner Child

Agony Aunt Aine: The Hurt Inner Child: "There is within us all a child that has no doubt been hurt at some stage, to a greater or lesser degree. Life is trouble and we get hurt at ..."

The Hurt Inner Child

There is within us all a child that has no doubt been hurt at some stage, to a greater or lesser degree. Life is trouble and we get hurt at all stages, it is the hurt we experience as a child that can impact how we react to life events when we are big grown adults. Can we connect the two? How can we recognise if we are reacting from the hurt child within us , rather than the adult that has matured and developed.
I often meet the " hurt child " in my practice and groups,  and have the greatest respect for this vulnerable and tender aspect of ourselves. The tone of voice, body language, sometimes just a look will tell me the inner child is present in the room. The work for all of us is to trust that we as adults can look after this side of ourselves. We become our own parents. Even those of us who's parents are alive and well can psychologically and emotionally recognise when we need to parent the hurt child within us, without needing to go outside ourselves. It can be a lot easier for us to look to others to ease the hurt in us, our partners or friends, called to the table to kiss and make it all better. The truth is it doesnt work, not in the long term. Of course it can be very smoothing to have someone ease the pain, it just cannot be sustainable.
So how to do it ourselves? Awareness is often the key, the fact that we can recognise when the hurt child is "reacting". Know your body, your tonality, recognise when your voice becomes childish, when your body closes in, check in with your lower belly, it is where the little one resides and let your adult do what it must. What does this hurt side of us need, trust your ability to recognise it, and also your capacity to meet that need. Take the simple route, its not complicated. We are all different and we will need different things, for me it is solitude and nature, so discover what takes care of you. The process is to allow this child to integrate with the adult, so our responses are mature and we slowly allow the hurt to dilute.The little one inside will soon trust your taking good care of him or her. Go on,  be a good Mammy or Daddy today!

The spoiled "Inner Child"

Do you know the feeling of " I want it!" , and the feeling that comes when we dont "get it " Of course we all have different needs and wants, our needs are something that is most likely something that will  support and nourish us and we may actually be deprived when they are not met, either by ourselves or someone close enough to recognise them. Now, our wants are something else, and when we want something and dont get it what is the feeling that rumbles within us. Is it  hurt or jealousy , is it a peevish little boy or girl stamping their feet, internally screaming "but i WANT it.
 And what happens when we get "IT," whatever  that is.  Is their a feeling of fullfillment and how long does it last?. Not long i suspect. The spoiled child in us has come out to play again and God help the poor playmate. There are some of us who live out of this side of ourselves and we are lucky if we can find a partner or friend who will play good Mammy or Daddy and provide what it is we desire. This is, however,  quite an unhealthy state of mind and an immature approach to having what we want in life. I am not saying wants and desires are a bad thing, in fact they can inpire us on to great things in life. It is the feeling that is beneath those desires that is important to recognise. Paying attention to the feeling when we dont get what we want will give us the insight into what it is that we need .The mature person finds something that attracts them, a new house, some new clothes, jewellery, perhaps even a new mate but  is aware of the limit to which it will satisify. The immature undeveloped spoiled "Inner Child" has no sense of these limits, or indeed the consequences,  their desire is immediate , (theCeltic Tiger and it's excesses come to mind, could we possibly have had a collective "Spoiled Inner Child") The awareness that can be learned here is to slow down and really listen to the foot stamping, pouting little boy or girl, and be curious as to what really needs to be filled within you. Your curiousity alone may bring some awareness as to what is really going on and a little growing up can take place, and with a little patience you may find you dont want "IT" after all !