Babies or no Babies

Dear Aine,
My boyfriend and I are both late 20's and have been together almost 3 years. We are still madly in love, the only thing we argue about is cleaning! While we are a long way from kids and marriage, anytime we talk about it, he gets angry, makes excuses about having them, "  what if we go travelling, what if our careers get in he way, what if we cant provide, what if we cant have them, the country is corrupt" and so it goes. I have made it clear I definately want kids in the future, and I may have to give up my career for some time as the industry I work in is not child friendly but this is fine with me, perhaps not with him. Marriage does'nt seem to bother him, not that we discuss it much but when the baby talk begins he changes. He is a proud man and wants to be able to provide but even as things are now he wants more. He seems to love his neices and nephews, I am sure he would be an amazing father and would be able to provide well but I am afraid we both want different things. I dont know if I could change his mind , I love him dearly and dont want to let him go, but I also dont want to give up my chance of having children. Part of me wants to wait and see what happens and another part wants to walk away before I get hurt, but I know it would break my heart to leave him. I have said I will stay if we have children someday or break up now and then he comes around to maybe, but not sure, I am so confused as to what to do
Jen

Dear Jen,
Is cleaning the only thing you argue about? I do get the sense that this issue of babies is an argument waiting to happen, if it has'nt happened already. Let me be  positive about this, you and him are together three years which is a reasonable length of time to know how you feel about each other, You have passed the infatuation stage and while you are both still in love I am sure it has deepened and that some roots have grown, if I may use a metaphor, and when the roots have deepened then the relationship, like a tree can take some stormy weather, and survive and indeed grow even more. Having babies is so very different for women than men, he really cannot begin to feel your instinct to have them. For a lot of men the desire for children is rooted in something much more primal. Women gestate, give birth and nurture, men impregnate, provide and yes sometimes also nurture. You say your boyfriend is a proud man and would want to be able to provide, so i suspect his reaction, to a degree, is rooted in this. If you have to give up work for some time then he will be the sole provider, and perhaps he fears this. You also say he gets angry when the discussion begins, remember anger is a defence mechanism, so what is he defending, his fear?. You seem very sure he will be an amazing father, but perhaps he is not that sure and may never be sure until he is one. This is the risk, but then so many things in life are risky, but we take them anyway, otherwise we dont really live. You say when he faces the risk of losing you he then uses words like maybe, but not sure, and again I suspect a lot of men feel like this if they are really honest. Perhaps you might decide for yourself what the bottom line is for you, the age you would like to begin a family. Is it sooner rather than later? Do you both need to do some things before you settle? The world will always be as it is, sometimes wonderful, sometimes corrupt, our inate desire to have children is not ever based on that, but on our instinctive desire to be more, and what could be more than extending ourselves to another part of ourselves, a baby. I know we humans consider ourselves more evolved than our ancestors, with rationale and logic taking over from basic instinct, and still the birth rate remains intact. Your boyfriend's reaction seems to say he is afraid and his anger perhaps, is defending that fear. I would encourage you to talk to him again, seriously , and begin to ask yourself where you will draw the line, and give yourself time to accept and adjust to that. The other thing I am curious about is , are you committed to each other ?  It sounds like that conversation has'nt taken place. Perhaps it's time to check how the roots of your relationship are, give them whatever nourishment they need, and who knows what new shoots might grow!
Aine