Feeling worthless

Dear Aine,
I am a thirty one year old single woman with a good job teaching primary school, I have my own apartment and do my best to live a full life. I take regular exercise, socialise with my friends and do my best to be active and interested in whatever is happening. The thing is I feel that everyone else is somehow better than me, when I am out socialising I seem to shrink into a corner, I constantly refer to other people when I need to make decisions, and I notice I overreact to comments made about me, almost to the point of obsession. I wouldn't be the most assertive person although I am able to manage my class , but if a parent complains I worry about it for days. Sometimes I feel useless and pretty worthless and it seems everyone else is somehow better than me.  I suppose I have low self esteem but I don't want to go through the rest of my life like this, no one would ever know how I feel, I have never spoken about this to anyone.

Liz.

Dear Liz,

It can be quite a lonely place to be when we feel deeply something about ourselves that we cannot share with others and can often add to our sense of worthlessness, so I am very pleased you have taken this step to seek help, it says you are worth it. Worthy of sharing how you feel and worthy of doing something for yourself to alter or change how you view yourself. Many people spend their lives looking up at others, and the interesting thing is , if we look up, then we may also look down. Self esteem is a term used to measure how we evaluate our worth, but perhaps we might look at it from a different view and think more in terms of self acceptance. Everyone has different skills and those skills may raise our value in the world , but do they raise our acceptance of WHO we are. If we make self esteem dependent on success then it can fail at any time, through job loss or retirement. I often meet in my practice those who lose their job or retire and with it a loss of esteem and sense of worth, indeed loss of anything to which we attach our esteem can trigger this. I wonder Liz what happens when you "shrink into a corner" as you put it, or refer to others for their opinion of you. I wonder how long you have felt like this, allowing others view of you to tell you who you are, in fact seeking it out. So lets start with that. Who are you, begin by asking that question and only allow yourself to answer it. Seek out the answers that have value to them, that tell you you are worthwhile. What makes us wothwhile? You have a good job, what are the qualities that inspired you to teach ? the personal qualities that spur you to exercise  and be interested in socialising and relating to others, list them , acknowledge them in a relaxed way. Be aware when you find yourself comparing, we are all so different, comparison can be erosive to our sense of worth.The idea that others are somehow better is unhelpful,  different yes, better no. Be centered in your own worth as a human being and I would encourage you to set small challenges for yourself, meaningful challenges that are attainable and will grow your sense of achievement and worth.  Pick something small every day as research shows it is the consistancy of our behaviour that gets results.  Perhaps you could begin with referring to yourself when you need to make a decision, small steps that  will slowly build your confidence,( confidence is knowing who you are and being that person) it will spur you on and slowly but surely your acceptance of who you are will grow.  Meditation and mindfullness will help you with obsessive thoughts and teach you practical skills to let go and relax  Remember just looking for support says something about your worthiness. Talking it through with a counsellor and taking time to acknowledge all that you are as a human being will certainly help. You have taken the first step, and are ready for the next, lift your foot!
Aine